You are all wrong. I have been in this very situation (minus the kitchen knife and pepper spray) and I survived, although I have never spoken about how. This will hopefully prove to be cathartic for me, so here goes.
The year was 1990 (I was a very young man) and the ‘90s had been seen in with confidence for a better and new world. Nelson Mandella had been released from prison. Margaret Thatcher had resigned. England was doing well in the World Cup with flamboyant talisman Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascgoine pulling the strings. All in the world was good.
I had been working at Dudley Zoo at the time. It was a sunny day, and I was looking forward to the weekend and the football I had planned to watch with friends and family.
The zoo had just sourced a male gorilla called Bongo, rescued from the safety of its wild inhabitance in central Africa. Bongo was 27 years old at the time of this story and arrived a very aggressive mature adult. There were seven of us getting his enclosure ready, the plan was he would settle in for a few days during the week (the zoo was closed for essential maintenance) and he would be ready to be released into his larger enclosure for his adoring and curious public on the coming Saturday.
To cut a medium length story a bit shorter, as we were leaving the enclosure (I was the last one) I slipped on some fruit and fell oddly to the side, striking my head on the way down and knocking myself unconscious. It seems this went unnoticed, as my colleagues left the enclosure without me, and I was locked in the enclosure alone, for now…
I awoke gingerly, which was odd in itself as my hair had been dark brown prior to the fall. For a moment I forgot where I was. I could see a very hairy, large hand not too far from me - my eyesight was a little blurred - and I wrongly assumed I was in bed with Eamon Holmes (UK tv presenter, very hirsute). It was then I remembered what had happened, and I cursed myself for not having brought along my pepper spray and my Gourmet X30 Santoku kitchen knife. I was locked in an enclosure with a large and aggressive disorientated adult gorilla, and the zoo was closed until the weekend…
I sat up slowly. I desperately needed to urinate, but thought that any unwelcome marking of territory might not be a wise idea at this point… Bongo sat in a corner, staring directly at me. I could sense he was sizing me up, checking me over to see if I had a kitchen knife. I had never seen a gorilla close up before, he was huge. I smiled weakly, stupid I know, but I didn’t know what else to do.
We sat there for about an hour, sizing each other up. Any movements I made were slow and deliberate, so as not to startle or annoy. I could see a banana about a few inches from my right foot, hidden to Bongo by some foliage. I leaned forward slowly and retrieved the fruit, his eyes watching me intently, and gently tossed it over to him.
He gratefully accepted the banana, picking it up from where it landed and I think the closest thing ever to a gorilla smile crossed his face.
Nightfall came. We couldn’t see any daylight from anywhere, but the noises we could hear from the other animals in the zoo told us it was night-time. I still hadn’t managed to empty my bladder, although Bongo had no such reservations and had not long ago taken the biggest crap I had ever seen (short of the elephant enclosure) and hadn’t even grunted whilst doing so. He was snoozing now, curled up in the fetal position. I decided the best thing to do would be to quietly soil myself and try and sleep it off.
Somehow I had managed to fall to sleep. It must have been quite a deep sleep as I awoke to a large, hairy, lumbering rough gorilla laying beside me, tugging my urine sodden jeans from around my waist to my ankles. I looked back in fear, not sure what was happening. Bongo looked at me and his eyes seemed to say, “just relax, I am not going to hurt you.”
To be fair to Bongo he was a gentle lover, attentive too. Having said that, it did hurt. It hurt like hell. I couldn’t help but smile sardonically (between the screams) when I remembered all the times I had told ex-girlfriends that we should, “try it that way, if you loved me you would, I will be gentle”.
I won’t bore you with the details of the love-making, other than to say it does hurt, gentle or not, and that it isn’t intended to be used for that. Any boyfriend who tries to tell you otherwise is a liar.
Bongo and I saw each other romantically for the following six years, and they were the happiest years either of us had ever known. I taught Bongo poetry and how to play the guitar, Bongo taught me how to fling my own faeces accurately up to 35 feet and the pleasures of anal love-making.
Unfortunately, Bongo had to be shot and destroyed at the start of 1997 when I caught him masturbating whilst looking at the new zoo-keeper, a strapping young man who frankly made me feel inadequate. I claimed he attacked me and I had no choice. I do miss him.
So, forget your kitchen knife and pepper spray, but I would advise you to take lube, because in that situation a gorilla can last a lot longer than 10 minutes, sometimes up to an hour, and is often ready to go again within the hour (if coaxed expertly).
Hehehe….really? Allow me to introduce you to ‘Gavin’ a full grown siverback gorilla..
"This guy is ripped…he has muscle on muscle. Gavin is around 5 times stronger than a puny human, he can weigh an impressive 160kg (350 pounds)— 195kg (430 pounds). He's mainly a vegetarian. And NO! You could never be this ripped on his diet, in fact you could never be this ripped full stop.
Take the biggest most muscular human on the planet and pit him against Gavin..lets call your human Bob!
"This is how Gavin see's Bob.
"This is what Bob see's.
Bob heard somewhere that beating your chest and mimicking the gorilla causes gorilla to stop and think…wrong Bob, very, very wrong! Gavin was just going to knock you into next month…now you've challenged him…oh dear, oh deary, deary me..
"Now Gavin doesn't want a fight but as he explains to the missus, ‘I'll be back in a moment, just gonna put this human in his place'!
"Yeah! Victory dance.
Images Courtesey of my Pinterest.